Unfinished Thoughts
Posted by Auntie Angie (Andrea Bruner) on Nov 09, 2011
Unfinished Thoughts
As unhealthy as it may sound, sometimes I feel like Sam is mine.
I sleep on a futon mattress on the floor of the living room. Sam snuggled up against me or directly on my chest. I disregard peoples warnings of the dangers of co-sleeping with a baby and the arguments people put forward that I'm spoiling him and setting up bad sleeping habits. I wake through the night to feed him, make sure the blankets aren't near his face, to check his breathing. He comes with me to friends' houses, work-related events, for coffee.
I like him close.
I hold him as I type this post with one hand. I recognize that my deepening attachment to this little life may be in part to ease the anxiety and discomfort felt from the corrosion of the slightly bigger life I'm already attached to. And I'm okay with that.
Julia and I bicker about his care like typical parents do, despite not being his parents. Whether to use a soother, how many layers of clothes he needs for the weather, the reasons for his crying. I find myself wanting to bring him to our house, away from the weight of what's happening to his sister. I want to protect him. From this. From everything. (Although there's no way in hell Stella would allow me to steal her brother, she often doesn't like him out of her sight and directs his care from her place on the couch, and is doing a fine job of protecting him). I want to give Aim and Mish the room they need for Stella. With Stella desperately attached to Mishi's lap, and Aimee with a separated pelvis unable to care for one child let alone two, both of them suffering indescribable pain, I am given the room I need for Sam.
People obsessively ask me if Julia and I plan to have another baby, presumably because of my obvious attachment to this one. Family members have been more than encouraging, pressuring even. I cant help but wonder if it's because they worry if something happened to Gracie, that we wouldn't have a baby Sam to live for. As if a second child would heal the loss of a first.
Sam looks like Aimee. Same eyebrows, skin tone (albeit a bit jaundiced), nose, and upper lip. I find myself filled with childhood memories of us when I look at him. When we found out a few months ago that Sam was a boy, I was quietly disappointed. I hoped for a girl, just as I did when Stella was born. I wanted for my daughter to have the relationship Aimee and I had growing up and still have, the relationship Mishi and Heather have; tight, protective, bonded, connected. The relationship Gracie and Stella had already begun developing, best friends. When others found out Sam was a boy, they were quietly relieved. A boy could mean the possibility of a different experience than the heartbreaking one with Stella. Less triggering, less to compare, possibly less resemblance. And it's true. Sam doesn't resemble Stella at all, he rather resembles Gracie a little bit.
Now that he's here with us, I am infatuated with Sam exactly the way he is. I'm even starting to see all of the possibilities for Gracie and Sam's relationship, regardless of sex, separation in age, presence of Stella.
The other day I caught myself. I had entered the house and walked right past Stella on the couch to find and hold Sam. Unconsciously disregarding our ritual nose kiss greeting and her daily inquiring of what treats I had brought her. When I realized what I did, I couldn't stop crying in the bathroom almost all afternoon.
I'm not sure where this post is going. i know it sounds unfinished, i guess my thoughts are just unfinished, i dunno.
Comments (7)
suze:
Nov 17, 2011 at 11:55 PM
It's wonderful that you're caring for Sam in this way. When I had my baby it was an emergency birth and we were both in hospital. I barely saw my baby during the first 10 days of his life. But I knew that my partner was with him which was reassuring for me at the time. However, later, I had a lot of anguish about whether he'd experienced that time as having been abandoned by me. It's years later now and I still have regrets about that. So I think that when at all possible, be with Sam and with Aimee at the same time. Even if she is preoccupied with darling Stella, it will be very important to her in the future to have memories of Sam as a newborn and to know that she was near him, even if she has to take a back seat in his immediate care. Love to you all.
Shauna MacKenzie:
Nov 11, 2011 at 04:46 PM
I know the power that sisters can have...I have two of them. I know that if any of us ever needed each other, we'd be there to support in a heartbeat. My children are extremely close to my sisters, and they are an extension of me when they are with my boys. Don't ever think that the way that you're caring for Sam is not right. You're giving him the love and affection and attention that a newborn needs. That is all that matters. And as you said, you're allowing Aimee and Mishi to put their attention on themselves and Stella while you care for Sam. I'm sure that it's extremely comforting to Aimee & Mishi to know that Sam is being so loved. Enjoy these precious moments with your nephew and know that you are doing great things by sharing your love with him.
Cate Creede:
Nov 11, 2011 at 03:14 PM
Thinking so much of the community that weaves itself around your family, strong little knobs of love and support that burble up strong as they're needed. You and Aimee have created something of connection that will keep you going; what you have with Sam will keep you going. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
Lindsay:
Nov 10, 2011 at 12:23 PM
Sisters are an amazing thing. Your sister, your niece and your nephew, are so very lucky to have you. Reading this makes me so grateful for my family - sister, parents, in-laws, friends. Your words are so sad, and yet so breath-takingly beatiful - the love you all share is extraordinary.
Lisa Burt:
Nov 09, 2011 at 11:30 PM
WOW SISTERS, THANK GOD for SISTERS. Andrea I am a friend of Aimees from ooch and you are an amazing person. You are a great sister and you are doing something that Aimee and Mishi will never forget. Like someone else said in their post this blog thay you created I believe is so amazing as hard as it is to read it is so powerful and such a great way to help you and the rest of the family to express. Your family is VERY lucky to have you. Give hugs to everyone.
Ashley Cook:
Nov 09, 2011 at 07:12 PM
Perhaps it was known that Sam would need someone that could love him fully and completely. I am sure Stella is loved by everyone, and she knows you love her. You are loving Stella by loving her brother.
Sarah McKenzie Stringer:
Nov 09, 2011 at 02:35 PM
Andrea you have such a beautiful soul. Despite the gutting, agonizing pain you are experiencing you remain the consummate Mama, Wife, Sister, Auntie, Friend and the love that you feel for Sam and Stella is palpable in this post. I read this blog everyday and like thousands of others, think of all of you when I wake up, when I go to sleep, when I am walking with my baby girl Violet in the park. Despite that fact that I have never met Stella or Sam or Mishi and haven't seen you or Aimee in at least 10 years...I feel so much love for you and pain for you and wish there was something, anything I could do to take it all away. I want to just tell you that I think you are amazing. xoxo Sarah
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