Losing Stella
Posted by Aimee Bruner on Oct 07, 2011
Losing Stella
The deconstruction of my soul began on June 24th at 12:30am. It's been ripped, frayed and pulled apart thread by thread over the past few months at an excruciating but slow and steady pace. Until now. Each week that passes brings a new and more terrifying reality for us as we watch this tumour wreak havoc on our baby girl. The "bad days" that she was having three weeks ago have now turned into her "good days" and this crushing reality is eroding what is left of my soul. I push myself not to think about the way things used to be but it's becoming harder and harder to keep my mind from going there as I watch the life slip out of Stella. Spending each day on the couch wrapped in her mama's arms, she spends most of the day drifting in and out of sleep. Eleven pounds lighter than she was three months ago, she looks so small, vulnerable and sick. It's happening. The inevitable, unthinkable, unimaginable is happening.
My dad came over to visit yesterday and slipped quietly into the house to join me in watching Stella sleep. Likely not the visit he was hoping for, he stayed anyway to be with me. As we sat on the couch, my legs draped over his, I felt like I was a kid again. We quietly watched Stella's chest rise and fall and neither one of us spoke. At one point, there was a significant pause from one breath to another - I froze as my heart jumped into the middle of my throat. With his hand on my knee, I know my dad could feel my heart breaking just as I could feel his doing the same. Sensing our fear, Mish came over and we looked each other right in the eye. We know what's coming. It may not be today, tomorrow or later this week……but it's coming soon. My grandmother died in my arms five years ago and I remember the unrelenting weight of that moment. It's coming. Each day, I can feel her slipping away from me as I watch her sleep more and eat less . The doctor's say that the human body knows how to die. It's happening.
Losing Stella often seems so unfathomable because she's still here. Just when I feel a piece of me slip away with her, a glimpse of my Stella, THE Stella, comes bursting out and fills my broken heart. I find her again every time she flashes me a smile - that infamous smile that's crammed full of tiny teeth that resemble chicklets. I find her again when she says "mommy can you get me a bagel with cream cheese at Tim Horton's?" I find her again when she organizes a tea party with her family of Mr. Potato Heads. I find her again when she freaks out because someone decided to cut her waffles into pieces.
I know that in a few weeks, finding her will not be as easy but I will be looking for her for the rest of my life.
Comments (35)
TK:
Oct 17, 2011 at 10:50 PM
Aimee and Mishi, You are in my thoughts daily. You are living the unthinkable. I simply have no words. I wish that those of us thinking of you, could somehow share your burden of pain, but I know it doesn't work that way. Sending all of you love, hugs and prayers. TK
Heather:
Oct 13, 2011 at 08:34 PM
My 3 year old son died in March...I have been where you are holding my child in my arms while they take their last breath. I'm here if you ever need me. I've said goodbye, I've planned a funeral for my precious Zack and now, somehow, my life keeps going on with my other sons. www.tjzmommy.blogspot.com
Sarah:
Oct 10, 2011 at 09:20 PM
Aimee, Mishi,
I have no words tonight. Only tears, and even those seem so woefully inadequate.
Gentle hugs, in silence.
Sarah
Kim:
Oct 09, 2011 at 07:42 PM
My heart breaks for all of you. I wish I had words that would make you feel better but I don't. I can't understand what you're going through because I have never walked in your shoes. All I can tell you is that even though I don't know you, I think of all of you all the time. This just does not seem fair to me at all.
LIsa Burt:
Oct 09, 2011 at 01:57 PM
Aimee, HUGS HUGS HUGS for you and the family, OMG this is so unfair. I am here thinking about you guys everyday, wishing that there would be someway to help you guys but I am sending you guys so much love and hugs please know as hard as all this is there are so many people out there sending their love to help you in any way. Love Lisa B
Whitney Walton aka @StreamingMimi:
Oct 09, 2011 at 01:31 PM
Oh, Aimee & Mishi, I can hardly type because of the tears that are blurring my eyes and streaming down my face. Stella Joy encompasses so much of my thoughts these days.
I leaned about Stella through your cousin, Christine (@musecrossing), on Blip.fm. She has done so much to bring so many people around the world 'together' to universally send love and prayers out to Stella and to you, her parents. I have so much admiration for Christine.
Aimee, 'Losing Stella' was so heartbreaking to read, and yet I could not stop! How can it be ending when her little life has only just begun? How can any of this be happening? I wish I could take it all away. I wish a miracle could save her. I wish your family could be healthy and happy once again.
I have been following this so closely, that I feel I know you all. I know the pain that is tearing at each of your hearts. I know the pain that your little baby girl has been forced to endure. I know the pain I am feeling right now for you and the rest of your family. I know all of this, and yet I don't know. How can anyone who has not gone through this know the extreme anguish you are living with, and the gripping fear of loss that each new day brings with it? All I do know for sure is that I will never, ever forget precious little Angel Baby Stella Joy or you, her loving family.
With warm love and hugs,
Whitney Walton
declan;s great granma:
Oct 09, 2011 at 12:24 AM
it is 12 midniteand i just had to get up andsee how Stella is doibg; i am in my 86 year and this story just breaks my heart/ youHAVE BEEN LOANED AN ANGEL for a short time,,,,much too shortand you have .nurtured her. Loved herwith your very souls tes i agree she will be a beautifuishooting star. soon she will be free to float away Declan looses a buddy!!
ronoli
Fiona:
Oct 08, 2011 at 11:33 PM
Been thinking of you, Mishi and little Stella all day long. Sent up a prayer every now and again.
Hugs for you all, special BIG ones for your little angel and my littlest hero!!
Maria Perez:
Oct 08, 2011 at 10:12 PM
my thoughts and prayers go out to you my dear friend Aimee and Misha and butterfly kisses to your little angel. Your picture captures everything love stands for about a family and also a mothers bond...
Cathy Wright:
Oct 08, 2011 at 02:46 PM
The photo accompanying this post says so much.
Love to you all.
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