Hi Stellie
Posted by Auntie Juju (Julia Gonsalves) on Jun 24, 2012
Today is June 24th...exactly one year since we took Stella into Sick Kids Hospital at 6:30am, thinking we would be out in an hour with some medicine and a pat on the back. 19 hours later we received the devastating news of a fatal brain tumor. Stella was given 3-4 months to live, but one year later she is still bringing joy and light into our lives, albeit in a much different way.
Aimee, Stella, Sam and I have spent today as a family. Gracie, Auntie Angie and Auntie Juju played with Stella in the backyard all morning while Auntie Heather and I took the boys to a beautiful outdoor Church ceremony today where our friends Omo and Arin were also there for hugs. Then, everyone left and just the Bruner-Methven's sat together in a heap on our couch. Stella napped on my lap, Sam napped on Aimee's lap and Aimee and I held hands and watched the Euro Cup. It was quiet, just as we hoped and we just focused on being together and feeling lucky to have so much love surrounding us at all times.
Today we have an entry written by Auntie Juju, which we think captures the essence of where we are with our journey at this point. Enjoy your weekend everyone...and remember, everyone dies at some point, but not everyone lives, so make sure today counts.
Hi Stellie
Hey stella,
I want to talk to you instead of about you, over you, around you. How are you? Doctor Kevin says that you aren't looking back and remembering what you used to be able to do, that you are beautifully present for every change, that you are just here, here, here. Thank you for pushing me to do the same when I see you, to let the world around us, sounds and voices and insecurities and fears, my physical body, my brain, all fade away and just be with you when I'm with you. I get you in doses because I don't live with you, and because I am your jula and not your mom, and I am grateful for that too in a way because it adds to the odds that I can be here, here, here when we’re together. It's like seeing a rainbow, it's so easy to drink it in with all your senses and resist distractions when you know you aren't going to see that rainbow very often, and that it changes by the second.
I want to tell you that my ocd has been a thousand times worse since your diagnosis, and since you sometimes take hilariously enormous pleasure in other people's pain, you'd probably find that funny. I find humour in some odd places too, let me tell you. I have never checked the stove so many times.
I want to tell you that I love your smirk more than I can explain, but that a lot of the time I don't try to make you laugh, just want to lock my eyes on yours and just be there without trying to do anything to change how either of us is feeling. I want to tell you that I can absolutely tell when you're really looking at me, and I am so grateful everytime you are, that I get to be in your field of vision now and again, and I want to tell you that the air between us is far from dead, that I can feel the space between your nose and mine as soft and vibrant and sweet and full of love. I want to tell you that my time with you while your brother was born was one of my happiest times in the past year, because we bonded over being the only ones not in the hospital, because we were both happier to be sitting on the couch in some ways, and because we'd both rather walk than drive. I want to tell you that you are a really funny kid, and I enjoy your quirkiness and how I never feel anything but normal around you, and how rare that is for me.
I talk to you all the time when we're looking at each other, and I know you tell me things in those moments that are so much more real than verbal lines that are so littered with consciousness and expectations and rules we were taught. Stella as I watch everyone get sad around you I struggle to accept the present as if I had invited it. I am taking a mindfulness course and the timing couldn't be better. Thank you for talking to me with your eyes.
Stella I collected the music that will play at your ceremony, and I thought about you the whole time I did that, and tried to interpret the picture of you I have in my head into something people will want to listen to when they are all so acutely missing you. you are really hard to interpret, do you know that? i have never spent more time trying to wrap my conceptual arms around what someone's spirit feels like. It makes my brain hurt, makes my hands move in funny ways over my keyboard. Speaking of hands I have developed a tremor in them since your diagnosis too. Ha.
stellie I love you so very much. See you Saturday.
Comments (14)
Marissa:
Jul 10, 2012 at 10:16 AM
Such a powerful beautiful message, that I think we can all learn from. Thank-you for sharing this letter, what an amazing auntie :)
Jeni:
Jun 26, 2012 at 12:46 AM
My daughter's name is Juno and she has a thousand nicknames, but strangely, none are Juju. Until now. If she grows up to be as loving and self-aware as Stella's auntie, I would be thrilled to silly mama bits.
Angela:
Jun 25, 2012 at 09:49 PM
xxx
flo bivens:
Jun 25, 2012 at 08:27 PM
I am awestruck by each one of the comments today...silenced (almost)...such beauty of the Soul displayed, relayed in our meager language ...but felt with the depth of my being. The word 'Awesome' was used frequently, and that is probably THE word I would use to describe 'knowing' you and your journey. So grateful to have been able to read, and be "here, here, here" , even for short Moments. Going to put on blip/twitter/facebook : [ Inspired by #Stella ( @musecrossing ) Leona Lewis, A Moment Like This with Lyrics: #Stella Joy http://www.stellabrunermethven.com/updates/hi-stellie.html] ... Please read ] In my heart and prayers, always...from a caring great grandmother ( 4generations of hard headed females One house!)
Emma Wain:
Jun 25, 2012 at 12:38 PM
What a beautiful post and message to Stella, Auntie Juju. Ive been keeping tabs on Stella and the family, reading each post over the course of this past year. I think of you all often, and am inspired and in awe by all the love and grace that shows up daily. xo Emma
Fiona:
Jun 25, 2012 at 11:55 AM
Your letter to little Stella is awesome, Julia. Honest and awesome!
I have never met Stella and she does not know me, but I am going to write her...
Dear sweet Stella Joy,
I thank you from the bottom of my feet coz bottom of my heart just does not sound deep enough... You are simply beautiful beyond words. I am in awe of your cuteness, your strength and I just love reading about you. You are a light in the eyes of your family and a light in mine. You have been through so much in your little life, but yet seem to have taken everything in stride. I/we have so much to learn from you.
Your mischievous ways make me smile/laugh and what you and your family are going through breaks my heart and makes me cry, but always I am in awe of you, little one. Always...
I send you love and BIG GIGANTIC hugs - heaps and heaps of them...
Meredith:
Jun 25, 2012 at 09:47 AM
Dear Aimee, Mishi, Stella, Sam and all of your family,
I am thinking of you all and am sending you love.
Also, thanks for your posts. As with a lot of the other readers here, I have learned so much from you.
Love M
brenda:
Jun 25, 2012 at 09:30 AM
Dear Stella,
You don't know me. I'm one of the many strangers deeply affected by you and your lovely, loving family.
I want to thank you. While I sympathize with you and your family, your plight has made me a better mom. I am making sure that I am living every moment to the fullest, I'm forcing myself to do things I don't like just because my children do like them, and I'm laughing and having fun, every day. Even when my kids make me made, you are making me smile through it, and still enjoy them.
Thank you Stella. You are beautiful beyond words. You are entirely too cute for one little person. You are strong, and delightful to read about. You seem to light up many lives. Your smile has delighted me on many many occasions. Although you've never met me, you have affected me.
I will feel sad when this world loses you Stella, but I'll still be humming "I'm glad you came" by The Wanted. Because I'm glad to have "met" you.
Brenda
Ann:
Jun 25, 2012 at 09:04 AM
There is something so incredible about the way that you have all been so honest and open about this journey and the importance of telling Stella's story and her truth. There is so much going on at once: hearts expanding yet breaking at the same time, learning, growing, yearning, fear, sadness and so so so much love. People have connected with Stella and her family because of this honesty and love. We are all so much richer for knowing you, Stella.
love, Ann (Éamon's Mama)
Emily:
Jun 25, 2012 at 01:01 AM
..."I struggle to accept the present as if I had invited it." wow wow WOW. Powerful, poignant, vibrant, emotionally-wrenching, and REAL. Such a beautiful letter to a beautiful girl who is STILL "here here here." thank you for sharing that Julia, and thank you Aimee and Mishi, and everyone for sharing Stella with me, and so many other people you have never met. She is such a blessing in my life, and "knowing" her through your posts has made me a better, and more present mother, and person. Your little 3 year-old has taught this 33 year-old very much about how to truly LIVE life. Thank you.
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