Fears
Posted by Mishi Methven on Aug 09, 2011
FEARS
There is an old saying, "name your fears and they can't own you". Or something like that. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but I do know that I have a lot of fears and have been wondering if putting them down on paper will help relieve me of some of the weight they create in my heart each day. So…in no particular order, here are some fears that sometimes cloud my vision in the day and keep me up at night:
Fear: I am not strong enough to do this
A recurring theme nowadays seems to be people telling Aimee and I how "strong" we are. The truth is, I'm not strong. We didn't choose to do this…to be these parents. I am not strong. I am only standing because of the people who hold me up each day.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to do this, that when my daughter gets really sick and needs me the most, I will be too scared to be there and watch her suffer and die. I feel sad and weak almost all the time. I'm not being a good friend or daughter or wife right now, the only thing I am doing is trying to enjoy my time with Stella, but even then, I feel like I barely make it through each day. I can't imagine getting through the bad days with Stella. She's still so healthy and happy and I'm barely making it, I don't think I'm strong enough to actually watch her die. I am scared and want to run away from life most of the time.
Fear: I will lose my friends
I seem to be incapable of socializing and making small talk nowadays. I'm afraid my friends will start to forget about me and move on while I'm stuck in purgatory unable to speak. I'm afraid especially that the friends I made because our kids were the same age and made good playmates will find that without Stella, we're not as fun to hang out with or worth it. As juvenile as it sounds, I'm afraid no one will want to be friends with us anymore. I'm afraid everyone will move forward with their lives because they have to and want to, and I won't be able to keep up because I have nothing to offer anymore but myself and maybe that's not enough.
Fear: We will push our family to its limits
So far our families have been absolutely incredible. My father and sister are at my door every morning at 6:30am to help out, Stella has ice cream with my mom every morning. My dad built a special playhouse for Stella and bedroom in the basement for our friends to stay with us when we need them. Aimee's sister and Julia take Stella all the time to help us, her mom and dad and step-mom have given us incredible cottage experiences and never-ending love and support. But, I'm afraid that as the weeks and months drag on, we will ask too much of them and they will collapse under the weight of the help we require. I'm afraid they will get burnt out and tired and sick because of it.
Fear: I am afraid to get pregnant again in case it's my fault
Aimee and I already talked about how we want to try to have another baby someday. I want to be able to get pregnant again and feel the miracle of having another being growing inside of me, but I'm afraid because I feel like it's my fault Stella has this horrible cancer. It's my body that created her, my DNA that screwed up and made these cells grow out of control, creating this tumour that's swallowing my daughter up. I'm scared that if I have another baby something bad might happen to it too.
Fear: I am afraid of the new baby
I think in the best of circumstances, adding a newborn to your life can be chaotic and scary. But I'm absolutely terrified of the new baby coming in October, for so many reasons.
I'm afraid that I'll be completely overprotective of him because I'm so terrified something bad will happen.
I'm afraid that loving him too much will hurt me because I love Stella with my heart and soul and now I'm being torn to shreds.
I'm afraid I'll ask too much of him---to help heal me and I'll put too much pressure on our son.
I'm afraid that we won't have the energy to give him all the love and support he needs if Stella is still alive and is sick at that point.
I'm afraid I'll be mad.
I'm afraid it will break my heart when he cries.
I'm afraid that without sleep I will collapse again.
I love him so much already…I'm afraid because I love him and want him so badly.
Fear: I will forget
I am afraid that eventually when I close my eyes, I won't be able to remember Stella's face anymore. That it will become blurry in my memory. I worry that I will forget how it feels to have the soft weight of her chubby hands on my lap when she sits next to me on the couch. I wonder if I will still hear the sound of her laughter in my mind or if it will fade away like fabric left in the sun too long. I worry that people will be afraid to talk to Aimee and I about her, afraid to remember, afraid to be sad or to make us sad and that her pictures will get put away and her memory left behind as the years pass and everyone moves forward. I'm scared I will forget how she smiled at me, how she snuggled into my lap as we read books, how she liked to fall asleep with her cheek pressed against my neck so that I could feel her heartbeat against my chest and would lose track of whose heart was whose.
Fear: I am afraid of playgrounds
Each time I walk by a playground and see groups of children playing it makes me cry. i see them running and I see my own child limping around, always left behind by the kids running circles around her, and I feel angry. Even though Stella doesn't even notice and is just as happy as the other kids, I am jealous of the parents who stand around and compare notes on daycares and schools. I used to be one of those moms and now I'm mad when I see them, angry that they don't have to wake up each day and wonder how many "good" days left they have with their kids. Pissed off that I used to be so naive and entitled about my child's future as well. I used to love taking Stella to the park and playground and now I'm afraid of them because they remind me with each shriek of delight from the slide, of all my broken dreams and plans for Stella.
Fear: I will never feel whole again
With the loss of Stella, Aimee and I are losing a big part of our hearts and our souls. I'm afraid I will never be able to move forward from the loss and will let the grief and anger and pain take over and be rendered incapable of enjoying all the blessings and love and joy that life still has to offer me.
Fear: I will live in Fear forever
I'm afraid that my fears will make it hard for me to live my life to the fullest. To take chances, to do the things I love, to be a good wife and friend and daughter.
Fear: I don't know who I am
I'm afraid I'll forget who I am. I've been "Stella's mom" for over two years now and I don't know how to be anyone else. When I look at my life now I don't recognize it, but I also don't recognize the woman I was 7 weeks ago. The one who worked, mothered, went to school, socialized, organized, multi-tasked, scheduled…laughed. Where did she go, who was that? Who am I now? Who will I be a year from now? I am lost. Sometimes only Aimee's hugs when we hold each other and cry keep me anchored to my reality. She reminds me that I'm a good person and that we will get through this. But sometimes I'm afraid when I look in the mirror because I have no idea who the person looking back at me is.
So…I guess that's it for now. I'm not sure if I'll sleep better tonight having unloaded all of this or not. But one thing I know for sure is that I don't fear for Stella. Stella is doing just fine. Stella is having an amazing life, Stella is oblivious to the attention and the hoopla surrounding her. Stella is not afraid of anything. Not afraid of any animals at the zoo, not afraid of boats or going fast or bigger kids. She says what she means and means what she says. She only laughs when she thinks something is funny. She makes no excuses for liking ice cream for breakfast and says "no" when she doesn't want to do something. She lives each day to the fullest.
I wish I could be more like my two-year old daughter. I'm supposed to be the parent, yet I feel that she is the one who is teaching me how to live life.
Stella is fearless. I hope I inherit some of her strength. She is my hero. She reminds me not to be scared because, "Mama, 'tella love you".
Comments (22)
cynthia neudoerffer:
Aug 14, 2011 at 01:27 AM
I don't know you, but I am a friend of Catherine Porter's from Winnipeg and learned about your family from her FB page.
Just over three years ago, my middle son Harry died from a very rare childhood cancer (primary rhabdoid tumour of the liver) at age 16 months. We just marked his third Angel Day on August 3.
Reading your post on 'Fears' there is so much I can relate to. There is so much I wish I could tell you. Just know that others have walked along this road and you do not walk it alone. Be carried by the love that surrounds you. It will carry you as you carry Stella.
One of the biggest lessons I took from my journey with my son Harry was to focus on 'today' - to be fully present in each day and not to worry too much about the future. Live fully and savour each and every moment with Stella. Today is really all any of us have - some of us just learn this more acutely than others. I have found that the way through the darkness from when my son was first diagnosed (Feb 24 2008 - after taking him to the doctor's for the flu) to his passing and on to today has been to take one day at a time and each day as it comes. I couldn't find the strength to deal with everything that was coming, but I could always find the strength to get through the day.
Hold fast to the love, joy, and happiness that surrounds you. I will hold you in my prayers.
Peace,
Cynthia
p.s. We pursued an extensive homeopathic / naturopathic regime for our son, in concert with allopathic care. If this path is of interest to you and you would like any information I would be happy to share our research on it - you can email me directly at hankcynthia@yahoo.com
Nicky:
Aug 12, 2011 at 11:51 PM
Dear Aim and Michi,
I hope you enjoyed meeting Ellen yesterday. It was strange to pick up the paper this morning and read about your family. I find myself thinking of you three many times a day. Please let me know if there is anything we can do to support you, xoxo Nines
Yvette:
Aug 12, 2011 at 11:43 PM
As I look to the full moon I send prayers for healing, courage and loving journeys to all of you. Stella truly is changing the world - one heart and one smile (or tear) at a time!!
Sonja:
Aug 12, 2011 at 10:53 PM
Have you contacted or looked into the Burzynski Clinic in Houston. They have had some great success with treating DIPG. Please take a look at it.
http://www.burzynskiclinic.com/
Brittany:
Aug 12, 2011 at 03:26 PM
That question mark at the end was actually a little heart, so i'm not sure why it posted like that.
Brittany:
Aug 12, 2011 at 03:23 PM
Michelle and Aimee,
We met you and your gorgeous, sun-sensitive, Stella in Mexico last summer. I've been crying for hours after going through every bit of this blog. We are sending you so much love, hope, positivity and energy from Calgary.
Here's hoping for a miracle, or at the very least, the gift of time. Hang in there and congratulations on the 4th addition to your family coming soon ?.
love love love
Annie:
Aug 12, 2011 at 01:28 PM
I cry for you, I ache for you. I don't know how you guys can do it or do it everyday. I am a mother of 5 healthy children, my 18 month old twin girls were a huge surprise. In the daily chaos in my house, I forget (too often) how blessed I am with having healthy happy rowdy children. My prayers are with you and your family. Here's believing for a miracle for Stella.
Love, Annie and the kids
Candyse Cotiga:
Aug 12, 2011 at 12:25 PM
Where to start! I live in Hamilton. I feel your pain in your words. I am writing to offer support in anyway I can. Magically, your story found me. I lost my four year old daughter to medulloblastoma two years ago. She Was hospitalized on Easter Sunday by ambulance in 2009, and she passed on June 21, 2009 at 6:21am. If you would like to read her story you can goto www.tayacotiga.com.
I also got pregnant a short three months after with a boy. For starters, he brought some life back into the house. If he was not here I would not be in the place I am today. Still sad but not in bed with a box of Kleenex being my best friend. I also have an older son but he is eleven and was very self sufficient so I found myself expecting him to take care of himself while I was dying from the inside out. I will guarantee you that your son is a blessing in disguise. I truly believe my little Kye was sent to help the healing process.
Being there when Stella needs you at the end is going to be tough but the strength comes from god knows where. I think it is motherly instinct that gets us through it or most likely just motherly love. I will not sugar-coat it. It will be the hardest thing that you will ever go through.
True friends and I say true because they will be the ones by your side at all times and stay away when you just don't want people around. They will understand no netter what. I lost some friends but then I truly realized the beauty in some of my friends. They let me cry and talk about her, they let me be angry, and they left me alone when I couldn't even speak. They were just there. The ones that arent anymore, I don't miss them at all.
Going to the park or anything you have done with Stella, well every first without will be excruciatingly hard. But the key is not to avoid it and to just walk through the grief and every time gets easier. Avoiding it only takes away from life and adds more fear.
Anyways, I just wanted to send a message and let you know you are not in this alone. I know when my beautiful taya passed, I searched high and low for people out there who had lost their child to cancer. You just have an overwhelming need to be in company or have someone to talk to that can truly say they understand and to offer you advice. You may not feel the same way and that is okay.
It has been two years and I remember everything about her like it was yesterday. I still miss and long to be with her. I am still angry. Kye says her name and says it daily like ten times. I know she is around and gives me strength on the days I am just so down. We talk about her everyday and I need to talk about her everyday. She lived and didn't just die. She was a part of our life and we still make her a part of our life. She will forever be my daughter and I will miss her until I am with her again.
I hope I have helped alleviate some of your fears and I hope that I did not overstep or say something wrong.
Sincerely Candyse
Melanie Hepburn :
Aug 12, 2011 at 11:08 AM
Mishi, I'm not gonna say anything deep or mushy...I'm going to tell you that my husband passed away from Cancer after a very short (very long at times) 3 month battle with Cancer. He left me with our children, Madi 3 and Connor 1. FEAR. I loved all your comments about your fears! We all have them but not a lot of people are brave enough to just put them out there and see what happens. I had been with my husband since I was 19, our friends, our everything was intertwined...I feared when he died, all our friends wouldn't want to see me without him..too much of a reminder, many of those friends did fall away, a few good ones have continued to be my friends. I feared all my women friends wouldn't want me around their husbands, the sad vulnerable widow (aka seductress, as if)...some didn't, some did. I feared I just wouldn't be able to find the strength to raise these two babies without my anchor and best friend, some days I couldn't find the strength and others had to step in, most days I did it! I feared I wouldn't be enough for them, some days I wasn't, most days I was! I feared my kids wouldn't remember their Dad, they do. Years of stories and pictures have accomplished that. It's been 18 years since my husband past, I think about him almost every day, we 'celebrate' his b/day each year..some think it's odd. We tell funny stories, maybe share some pics, have a toast and send a balloon to heaven. I too, took a leave of absence from work and spent the last 3 months of Scotty's life with him...We got to know each other to the depth of our souls and spoke openly and honestly about everything. I wouldn't trade those 3 months for anything...other than having him back. I never felt strong, I hated when people called me 'strong'...i felt like screaming.."HELLO!!!, where the hell are you people when I'm crying myself to sleep every night?".... People say things they think will help, unless they have ever experienced anything close to what you are experiencing they will never be able to relate. I still miss Scotty almost every day, the old adage time heals all wounds does not apply to wounds like this. Time makes the pain more manageable and the good times more and the sad times less. I truly believe I am a better person for having had Scott in my life, even if he had to leave me...he taught be about life and death. Something I discovered about myself during and after, my ability for small talk and bullshit is zero. I don't talk about weather and I don't sugar coat my feelings about anything to anyone. I try and live life without judging anyone and always remembering that life can turn on a dime and to try and enjoy the right here and right now!!!!
Jill:
Aug 12, 2011 at 09:31 AM
My heart goes out to both of you. Keep strong and live for today.
“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
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