Are you there, God? It's me, Mishi.
Posted by Mishi Methven on Dec 30, 2011
Are You There, God? It's me, Mishi.
Okay, so I totally ripped the title of this post off from that famous book, Are You There God, it's me, Margaret…but I feel like it's the right way to start, because this entry is about asking questions.
Maybe because we took the commercialism out of Christmas this year, I have been thinking a lot more about God and religion. Instead of focusing on presents and rushing around and decorations and shopping, we just spent time as a family visiting and eating and enjoying one another's company. It was actually quite lovely and completely stress-free. I think we may have stumbled upon the secret of getting through the holidays…get rid of the expectations, the formality and the focus on monetary things and you are left with a very basic and stripped down version of Christmas that leaves you feeling grateful, gracious and glad to be where you are. It was truly wonderful!
But also having some free time reminded me that the original reason for the season, before the advent of Santa Claus and candy canes, was to celebrate the birth of Jesus. So I watched a few Church services and let my mind wander to that side of the Christmas experience as well. God and I have an on-again/off-again relationship. Not for any particular reason, other than that I have wavered on my beliefs, the strength of my beliefs, and what I really think.
I've attended a variety of Churches at many different periods in my life. I've tried Episcopalian, Presbyterian, Unitarian and United-- I even went to Catholic Mass twice just to see what it's like. I was baptized in the Episcopalian Church on Staten Island, New York where my mother is from, and when Stella was 6 months old Aimee and I took her to Staten Island to be baptized at the same baptismal font as my sister and I, my mother and gradfather were all baptized at. And, no matter where I go, I have found that I actually quite enjoy Church. I like the ceremony of it, I like the music, I like listening to the sermons with a critical ear and furthering discussions about it in my own mind. On boring days, I like counting hats in the audience or studying the stained glass windows, looking for the story embedded within. But I've yet to find a congregation that was completely right for me, so I continue to hunt around periodically, not quiet able to put my finger on what I'm looking for.
When you are dealing with something as inconceivable as the slow and cruel death of your daughter, I think it's only natural to want to find some sort of higher meaning and reason for your loss. Since Stella's diagnosis I have read every book I could get my hands on about dealing with the death of a child and overwhelmingly I have found that other parents seem to find their greatest relief and healing through religion. To be blunt however, when you are the parent of a child who is going to die, reading that other parents found acceptance through belief in God is not all that helpful to me. I am looking for some concrete and real coping methods, and somehow that solution rings hollow to me. Maybe I'm just jealous. I really admire people who have an unwavering belief and faith in God. I think it makes it easier to accept something like what we're going through. I think it is comforting to imagine them in "a better place" with God, in Heaven, or as an angel. It must be endlessly comforting to believe without a shadow of a doubt that some higher power chose you to bear this burden and to live through this loss because of a greater lesson or greater good. It probably dissipates some bitterness and jealousy you have towards the world if you think that you were meant to suffer and it makes you better in the end. Over the last six months I've tried to find that peace and comfort with Stella's cancer. I've listened to all the people who tell me they pray for us and that God is watching over us. I've watched some people try to "heal" Stella by praying over her and telling us to believe in miracles. I want to be able to look to the sky and imagine that some omnipresent person is smiling down and guiding us in this journey. Some days I can, other days the best I can do is convince myself that Stella came to be with us for a reason and that the randomness of life has simply hit us directly between the eyes.
I really wish that I could just believe, believe, believe, but I am in essence a fact person and I find many of the "facts" that have to do with God a bit questionable. If you factor in the scientific proof regarding how the earth began, the evolution of man, etc. many of the stories in the Bible begin to sound downright fictional. I guess that's why faith is such an abstract concept to me. It's like I want to believe so badly, but something keeps stopping me. Yet, when I feel the most hopeless and helpless, I always look to the sky for guidance as though there will be a message in the clouds. Today Stella is sleeping quietly on the couch next to me and the sky is just one big, grey blanket covering everything with fluffly white snow just like the movies. It looks cold and cruel outside, but it is still warm and cozy here on the couch.
This summer I was stopped by our elderly neighbour Rose. Rose it probably close to 90 years old and has lived next to me my entire life. She is Italian and speaks very little English. It was maybe 9 weeks after Stella's diagnosis and I was walking down the street with Stella. Rose motioned to be wildly to cross the street, so I dutifully went to go see her. She frantically started telling a story in broken English. It was something about that she was "bleeding like a young girl" and was rushed to the hospital. She said while she was lying there, not sure if she was dead or alive, she felt someone stroking her hair gently and when she looked, it was Stella. Her eyes grew big as she grabbed my arm and said earnestly, "Mi-ch-e-elle. She an angel. It mean she an angel!". Rose had no idea about Stella's diagnosis, nobody had told Rose she was going to die. I remember standing there stunned, clutching Stella to my chest with tears prickling my eyes. I wanted so badly to believe that she was right. That Stella was an Angel who was sent to us to teach us and love us and be with us. This story might be enough for some people, but I still waver in my beliefs. Sometimes when I stare at Stella, at her perfect porcelain skin, her straight white teeth, her rosy cheeks, beautiful blue eyes and head of curls I do think she's an angel…then she opens her mouth! If she is an angel she is one with sass, attitude and a penitence for mischievousness. I can only imagine the trouble she will get into with the other angels...
I don't know God, I guess you and I still have some exploring to do. I am going to try to go to Church again for a few months. Someone recommended Eastminster Presbyterian on the Danforth. I'm not sure if I'll find what I'm looking for, but any measure of comfort is welcome at the moment. In the meantime, I'll just keep looking up at the sky searching for a little ray of light. Or, when it's cloudy, I'll just find it in Stella's smile.
Her Smile!
Christmas Fun
Is this the face of an Angel!??
Comments (18)
Rosa:
Dec 12, 2012 at 03:11 PM
She is absolutely an angel.
Lisa :
Jan 09, 2012 at 06:26 PM
Hello there, I'm one of those out ther praying for you.
I go to church, have endless dialogue with God and on the surface look like a 100% no doubts Christian but to be honest I sometimes doubt - I tell God it's all a bit freaky but then really the alternative is equally freaky - that we're all just here randomly yet we all have needs for purpose,love, acceptance etc. Both the science and biblical explanations for life are equally bizarre if you say them out loud. As a fact person I focus on Jesus - the New Testament is pretty back up able so Jesus and the consequent disciples were either nuts to give their lives for a lie or delusion ( and Jesus doesn't come across as delusional in his teachings) or Jesus was the Son of God and the disciples had seen enough evidence of this to then give their lives to spread the news. ( I don't get any other reason why they would have all hidden away after his death obviously petrified and gutted that their "King" was gone then one day thought "hey lets all go out, say Jesus really is the Son of God and be persecuted." They surely must have had some pretty convicting evidence of God put in their hearts.) So basically in my "I don't get this" moments I choose to hope - hope with all my heart that the God i am worshipping is there, that I will see the people who I have loved and lost again and be with them. I've had many moments when I've 100% known God is there and then times when I have prayed and there is a deafening silence and you forget the 100% feelings. At those times i tell God in my head about it( yes I have random conversations with God) and then just carry on praying and hoping and believing beyond rationalising. I'm so sorry if this all seems a bit preachy - it isn't intended to be. I just can't imagine how i would get through this without God and the belief that i would see my beautiful baby again and just wanted to share how I keep my faith because with some of the stuff that life throws at us I think you do have to make a conscious decision to keep your faith. So much love to you all.
Kim:
Jan 05, 2012 at 02:54 PM
Mishi, I look forward to reading your blogs and check daily, hoping that Stella is still comfortable and curled up with you on your comfy, warm, loving couch! I had a conversation with my husband yesterday about our relationship with God and wondered what you and Amy thought about God and Heaven. I'm sure you've searched for answers of why this should be happening to your family and beautiful Stella. I'm not a religious person myself but I have prayed to God in difficult times but I still question why things happen to people. I do believe Stella will be an angel looking over her loved ones when she is in heaven and watching over other children who may be sick. I think of Stella all the time and pray that she knows that she is so loved. She is a beautiful, red-haired angel. Sending love and happiness....I also hope that you are able to find a supportive, caring church that you can attend.
marionkypreos:
Jan 04, 2012 at 10:50 AM
Mishi,
I will continue to pray for you that you find some peace in all this chaos and hurt,I cant imagine the pain you face the moment you awake eachday,God has plans for all of us, and we dont ever know the why's until we reach the gates of heaven for answers,But I truly believe Stella is an Angel with a purpose here on earth, thinking of you always, Marion,xo
Vicki:
Jan 03, 2012 at 11:31 PM
Check out Neighborhood Unitarian Universalist Chrch on Hiawatha in Leslieville. I am a recovering Catholic and have finally found a church that is nondogmatic.
There is also a good book called "Broken Open".
Take care,
Vicki
happy:
Jan 03, 2012 at 02:10 PM
I was 17 and sitting outside the hospital door waiting for my dad to die. He was my best friend, my mentor, my protector... he was, in fact, my entire life. And to make it even more difficult my mother, brother and I we were bankrupt (dad died in bankruptcy), unsure of where we would live, who would take us in, or if we even had a future. I sat staring at the cars that busily sped down the street, there were no tears left at that point. A man, a non-descript man of thirty-something stopped dead in his tracks and looked at me. "Christ loves you," he said and carried on walking. I am now a woman and my hurts bleeds for that girl of 17 whose world crumbled one night. I see her, the girl I was, sitting there confused, hurting, feeling so, so alone. And that non-descript man... I like to think he was an angel for one year later, that sentence "Christ loves you", came to reality when one night, I asked Jesus to just be with me. To save me. Since then I've studied theology, shed tears, laughed, lived... and God has been there with me every step of the way. What I mean by all the above is that there are signs everywhere. Your Italian neighbor and her vision was a sign. A sign that God cares enough about you, "you", to send you a small message of hope. Forget Darwin and Evolution for a second (oh the discussions to be had on that one...) Christ came to a world in need of salvation, he came to save us from ourselves, to have a relationship with us... and in his love we are healed. I will pray for you. You are all in my thoughts and in my heart. Much love from Chile.
Serra Shular:
Jan 02, 2012 at 02:49 PM
Stella is without question an angel. I am so glad that you were able to enjoy Christmas together. Thank you for continuing to share your innermost thoughts, Mishi. I think of you every single day...
Marlene Mconaghie:
Jan 01, 2012 at 04:06 PM
I dare to cope
I dare to believe in tomorrow without you
I struggle to pick up the paint brush and touch the canvass
I put both feet on the ground and I struggle with the effort
I have a beating heart
To cope is to live and find meaning in yourself
Coping finds expression in many ways while your mind is distracted
Distraction from the pain takes time .... The pain is unavoidable ... It can't be helped ...
With the gift of "time" ......... feel her love and love her memories
Amy:
Dec 31, 2011 at 07:48 PM
I believe in angels...and I believe Stella is one for sure. I also believe in ghosts or spirits...I believe that she will always be watching over you and that you will see her in the most unexpected places giving you answers and comfort. I too struggle with faith and God...but I so badly want to believe that our loved ones who pass on go somewhere wonderful. You continue to be in my thoughts continuously...
Laura:
Dec 31, 2011 at 06:51 PM
When we think of an angel, I suppose most would think of celestial beings with wings and radiating heavenly light. Like you, I have a difficult time digesting the stories of the bible as factual. I have chosen to often take a more symbolic view of most of the bible.
An angel, quite literally, is a benevolent, attending spirit. An angel is also defined as a messenger or intermediary between the multiple dimensions of space and time (or heaven and earth). Because angels are not restrained by ordinary limitations, they effortlessly move between worlds. They connect humanity with the divine.
It is within this context, that I positively see your beautiful Stella as an angel. Even now, as you are searching for the highest call to the meaning of life, Stella has inspired a deeper quest within you. The word inspire, by the way, means "in spirit."
Stella's condition has not only propelled you to search for a deeper truth and meaning, but also many of us who know of your story and share in some capacity with you. Stella has inspired each life she touches.
An angel?
Absolutely.
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