A Day In Time

 A Day In Time

The days continue to pass by, a blur of television shows, cuddles, eating and hanging out with the people we love most in the world.  There are no "special" days where we do amazing and incredible things, because everyday is special simply because we are together.

For the most part I can't tell the days apart, other than therapy on Tuesday's and our standing dinner-date with friends on Thursday.  Sometimes the minutes and hours pass by so slowly that I wonder if they're moving at all, and sometimes I can't believe that so many minutes have melted into hours, days, weeks, months.  Everything has changed but our days have felt very much the same since summer ended.  It's not necessarily a bad thing. I find great comfort in routine and we have settled in to one quite nicely.

At 7am like clockwork, my dad comes over and makes tea for me followed by two pieces of white toast cut into quarters, one with honey and one with jam.  Aimee feeds Sam and Stella sits in my lap glaring at the world.  She has never been a morning person, which I've always found strange since she is the one who dictates when we get up.  Before all the medications, her wake-up time was 5:15am for over a year.  Bleary-eyed Aimee and I would take turns taking Stella out to the living room to play and feed her until it was time to leave for daycare/work at 7:30am.  Stella would yell, tantrum, throw food and generally be the biggest grump you could imagine and I would just look at her and think, "Kid…why do you insist on getting up when you obviously don't want to be here!??".  I never got an answer, just scowls.

At about 9am after we've eaten and watched the morning news with Stella perched on one of our laps, my sister will come across the street with Xavier.  We sit around chatting, sharing stories and planning our day…which is usually no plan at all.  We give all the kids bottles, swapping off whichever one needs something.

At around 10am one of us will get up to get dressed and start getting the kids dressed, diapers changed and sometimes (on special occasions!) we even shower.  We take our time, we chat with one another, we cuddle and coo and tickle the boys.

Lunch is often early and then we try to get out of the house for a family walk.  Destinations vary…Sobey's…Library…Starbucks…Shoppers Drug Mart.  Piling Sam and Stella into our new double stroller, a heap of mittens, hats and blankets we never have anywhere specific to go.  We walk the streets where Stella once rode her bike, pass the parks where Stella once swung and screeched, visit the places we used to dream she would go.  But, most of the time, we aren't sad.  We are happy to be together, happy to be outside, happy to have our family of four.  We know it's temporary but we try to just breathe in the crispness of winter and watch our children carefully for any signs of a smile.  We collect these smiles like precious jewels tucked into our hearts, hoping we can take them out again someday and roll them around in our hands when we are searching for a warmth that we cannot find.

In the afternoon Stella usually curls up in someone's lap and sleeps for anywhere between 2 and 4 hours.  Whoever doesn't have sleeping Stella in their lap tries to tidy the kitchen and start laundry while simultaneously feeding and playing with Sam.  We read the paper and visit with anyone who stops by with kind words, food, hugs.  We kibbitz over what to have for dinner and when Stella wakes up in the late afternoon she is usually ready to have a tea party, paint her nails or dance.  So we play until she is exhausted and Sam is screaming in the swing we plopped him in.  We eat dinner and watch episodes of Dora until Stella drifts off to sleep and Sam is sound asleep in his crib.

These are simple days.  A far cry from the old life where we would rush out the door for work, dropping Stella off in a run at the daycare, work all day, rush home from work to pick up Stella, clang around in the kitchen furiously trying to cook while also trying to keep Stella from killing the dog, or us.  Rush through dinner, get Stella ready for bed, do dishes, pack lunches, squeeze in homework and school classes iron clothes for the next day, bed.  Begin again.

Life nowadays is not what we expected it to be.  It is not what we wanted and it is not what we planned or dreamed.  There is a lot of fear and there are a lot of tears.  But, it is also not without surprise moments of joy and laughter and happiness and gratefulness.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us.  But right now Stella is sleeping peacefully on Aimee's lap curled in a ball, Sam is lying on the couch laughing at the ceiling and I am wishing I could freeze this moment forever.